The “I” Word
One of the most insightful comments I've heard from clients, especially female clients:
They are more afraid of intimacy than sex.
Women know that one can go through the motions of sex safely sealed off from one's body-mind system where the capacity for intimacy lies. That way you won't get too hurt.
Horny guys are more often satisfied with "getting off". When that happens, they tend to be oblivious to the absence of intimacy, for themselves or their partner.
The difference between intimate sex and "physical sex" is like day and night. You only know that difference after experiencing both.
Most couples either don't know how to improve their sex life or feel defensive about bringing up the subject.
I believe fear of intimacy comes from the idea that broaching the subject couldn’t possibly end well. This is sad, because the yearning for intimacy is one of the more important drives that keep us going.
That truth comes out early in therapy when a few carefully asked questions confirm this:
The experience of feeling safe, secure, and close to our mate is a powerful, universal desire and need.
We'll talk more about how therapy can overcome the fear of intimacy in my Thursday blog.